The Escapist : Zero Punctuation : Sonic Generations

Funniest thing I’ve watched all week. I’ve been waiting for this review for so long. I’m glad somebody else besides me pointed out the Rouge the Bat “tit shaking” challenge.

Now, predictably comment like you’re defending your life’s worth.

Here at Sonic Retro, we could subject you to mind-numbing analysis about a game, or you could watch the forums explode in negativity at the slightest mention of Sonic 4. We could tell you how the PC version is an unfortunate shoddy port of the Xbox 360 version lacking anti-aliasing among other settings.

But we’ve all heard that jazz and several more complaints for nearly two years now. The poor horse has been beaten into a fine powder. So here’s a video of the PC version in action. Left and Right and Slip’n'Slide!

However, just so you don’t leave here empty-handed or upset at yet another pot shot at Sonic 4, here’s a nifty little package for you PC version owners. Forum member Twilightzoney took some of the textures from the iPad version of the game and placed them into the PC version. This is the result:

To apply these textures, download the folder here and insert its contents in to the PLY folder located in the G_COM folder, which should be located where Steam stores the game. Make sure to back up a copy of the original files in case something goes wrong.

…a bunch of videos of kids on Christmas.

So it’s Christmas Eve. Things are winding down, with last minute shopping and Christmas dinner being concocted. If you’re a kid, you won’t sleep tonight, wondering just what Santa got you for Christmas this year. I try to keep myself hip with the kids, with all their electronic gadgets and whatnot, but I don’t know what the hottest toy of the season is. But as a kid of the 90′s, there was only one item you wanted under the tree. That one box, covered in a Sega logo, that would send you into a crazed frenzy. While it may have been a very long time since anyone has gotten this excited over anything Sega related, let us take a look back to Christmases long, long ago, when the Sega Seal of Quality was still around…

Kid, I know you’re a kid and not a kid anymore, but you can’t cry because you got ten presents (unless they were all socks or something). But you are right about one thing, life was good back when the Sega Genesis was still a thing you could buy at the store…though I can’t help but smirk at the dad recording things. Saying it might just be the box and have a coat inside? You’re almost as much of a dick as Sonic!

Oh man, that kid didn’t get just a Genesis, but a Sega CD! I guess he did see the games. Who wouldn’t faint at seeing $350 dollars worth of hardware?

These kids don’t want to wake up at all, and I think that ties into the complete blank face that happens when he gets the Sega Genesis. I mean, I can understand he might not be happy that he didn’t get any games and so he’s confused…then comes the Sega CD, and the excitement returns. Never before or sense has anyone gotten that excited over the prospect of Sewer Shark.

Here is a link to video that I can’t embed for some reason, showing that, yes, even girls got excited about getting a Sega Genesis for Christmas. Maybe that’s why I can’t embed it…

I don’t know who Uncle Chris is, but he just got all of his nieces and nephews a Sega Genesis. Holy Toledo, that room erupts like no other. It’s a good thing they all got one at once, else that would have turned into utter chaos!

“What is a Sega Genesis?” Just the greatest system known to man, random uncle who certainly isn’t as hip and cool and with it like Uncle Steve.

This video proves that people can get just as excited over Sega products that aren’t the system. Or Sonic.

Remember kids, people got excited about a Sega Christmas even after the Genesis. Who wouldn’t want a Sega Dreamcast under the tree? Even if that kid does spoil it for everyone.

And to wrap things up, let us look at the story of a kid who was meant to get a Sega Dreamcast for Christmas but ended up with something else entirely. Don’t worry, it does have a happy ending.

With that, we only have one more day until Christmas. Merry Christmas Eve, everyone, and hopefully whatever you do tonight doesn’t drive you up a wall. Especially if it involves your family.

…some fanmade Sonic Christmas specials. Yep.

By now, we’re all familiar with the officially licensed Sonic the Hedgehog Christmas stories, even if you’ve only heard of them on the front page. Sonic Christmas Blast. The numerous Sonic the Comic tales. Sonic’s interpretation of A Christmas Carol. That hasn’t stopped some fans from trying to create their own Sonic holiday specials, which all have their own spin to them. They’re definitely not everyone’s cup of tea, and I’m sure more than a few people are going to go “why is this on Retro.” But you know what? It’s the holiday season, and what’s Christmas without some extremely cheesy Christmas specials?

That first one comes from YouTube user SonicSong182. Broken up in six parts (wait, six?!) the entire endevour is done live action. With Sonic the Hedgehog plushies. Yes, it begins with singing. No, it’s not the greatest. But if you can get through the first musical number, you’ll get to jump into the plot: while Sonic and all of his friends are decorating someone’s living room, Eggman bursts in and tells everyone he is going to melt the IceCap Zone. In order to stop him, Sonic and his friends decide to disguise themselves as the ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future. Wonder if this guy knows Archie already did that, but…

Oh, right. There’s some weird sub-plot where Shadow dresses up like Santa and decides to reenact How the Grinch Stole Christmas. And apparently Cream needs some sort of operation. You can pretty much guess what’ll happen next if you dare to continue on through the rest of the series. Being made in 2008, you might be surprised to find out they made a sequel in 2009 where Shadow is forced to reinact the story of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer…yeah. I…I don’t know what to say. Especially since it takes place over the course of five YouTube videos. But this one has Big the Cat. Oh, and did I mention the cooking special from 2010 where they find Silver half-dead in the snow?

Right. Well, SonicSonic182 doesn’t corner the market on Christmas YouTube specials. Sonictoast does his own live-action interpretation, using action figures and stop motion animation. And what song do you use to start off a Christmas special? Yes, that’s right: Super Sonic Dance Attack. Wait, what?

The storyline seems simple enough: Mario invites Sonic to a Christmas party, where he also happens to invite all his enemies. Oh, I get it, it’s 90′s humor. With some scatological humor on the aside, we find out that Eggman kidnaps Santa and decides to ruin Christmas. Wait, wasn’t the plot of Christmas Blast? Just to warn you, the “special” also has a running joke with Amy being under the mistletoe, and an extended amount of the Hampsterdance Song. I didn’t realize that was still relevant outside of 1999. This definitely isn’t my cup of tea, but what do I know? It has over one million views. Yes, you read that right.

Sigh…so what do we have next?

Retro user Tiranno, along with his girlfriend decided to put that little ditty together. Clocking in at sixteen minutes, the feature is hand drawn, though only partially animated. It’s done in a storyboard-esque style, though the audio is done so it sounds like everything is moving. I’d have to say that this is the best of the lot, though Tiranno did drop the ball at one point: c’mon, Sonic was born on Christmas Island. It was practically begging to be thrown in there!

Yes, there are more random Sonic animations involving Christmas, but even I have my limits. So until tomorrow…well, actually I guess because this is late, it already is Christmas Eve. Only two more of these to go. Wonder what nonsense I’ll put on the front page later on today?

…some videos that make me want to go the store.

Let’s be perfectly honest here: while we may love Sonic the Hedgehog and Sega as a whole, at the end of the day they are a business, which means they want to sell the public something. It certainly helps when it’s something we really, really, want, of course. And what better time is more appropriate to dwell on consumerism than Christmas? We all know that people buy the most around the holiday season, so why wouldn’t you want to try and advertise the world of Sega while visions of sugarplums dance in your head?

Unless you lived in Europe, more than likely you never got one of those bad boys under the tree. But there’s something about the look of the Master System I’ve always loved. And that white checkerboard pattern? Oh man, that is the future of gaming! Although, when you get down to it, the only Christmas part of the video is the music in the beginning, which quickly transforms into something really, really creepy. But hey, future of gaming.

Come the 90′s, though, the Master System was a thing of the past. If you were a kid who wanted something for Christmas with the Sega logo, there was only one option. The Sega Genesis. That glorious 16-bit powerhouse that offered the hottest games and made you the most popular kid in the neighborhood:

As an awkward adolescent, who wouldn’t want the one system that would make girls come to your door? Though I must admit, getting a Genesis never got me any…maybe my name had to be Matt. I still love the look of the mother’s face at the end. She better have saved some eggnog, because she’s going to need it.

But what happened once you got the system? You couldn’t just wait to have your parents buy you a new game. New titles were coming out all the time, and dropping sixty bucks on games starring Sylvester and Tweety was a luxury you couldn’t afford. That is why we had Blockbuster.

Your eyes do not deceive you. Santa Claus is playing a Sega Genesis. Though I do wonder what game he’s playing. Could it be Sonic? Could it be Bubsy? And he doesn’t even need a remote control to turn on the television! That’s magic for you.

But what about Japan, you ask?

For those not in the know, the Sega Saturn in Japan was a big deal. I’m sure plenty of Japanese children on Christmas morning couldn’t wait to get their hands on that sleek six button controller. Or even better, the 3D Control Pad, so they could play their copy of Christmas Nights. It’s a good thing the father ran off to the store right away when he realized his folly, or else he would have met…well, you know.

It is Segata Sanshiro. Nothing I can say can ever explain how awesome he is. So this Christmas, buy a Sega Saturn. Or he will come screaming back into this world, come down the chimney, and beat you senseless.

Might help if those kids had a television to go along with their game, though.

…a Christmas story done by Archie Comics.

Now, last year when I started reading the Fleetway Christmas comics, I must admit a small corner of my mind was tickled by the concept. I mean, the idea of the Christmas special isn’t something new. We’ve all seen Charlie Brown buy the saddest tree in existence. We’ve watched the Grinch steal Christmas at least 40 times. And who knows how many times we’ve been forced to watch It’s A Wonderful Life? Now, what all these share is that they are just moments in time, and are always repeated but never changed. Sonic the Comic, on the other hand, tried to make it a yearly tradition to always come up with something new to usher in the holiday season. That’s when a small part of me wondered aloud, “Why didn’t Archie ever do anything like this? They’re a comic book, too!”

So when I started my game adaptation reviews, I was floored to see that, indeed, they had done a Christmas special. One that I completely forgot about.

Issue #6 of the Sonic the Hedgehog comic from Archie, if it’s remembered at all, is for the Sonic Spinball adaptation, which is also the cover story. But backing it up – and actually taking up more pages – is “Sonic’s Christmas Carol.” Written by Angelo Decesare and drawn by Dave Manak, it’s what you can guess from the title – an adaption of the Charles Dicken’s classic, A Christmas Carol. It’s been adapted hundreds of times, from Scrooged to Magoo to frightening psudo-Jim Carrey. I guess I shouldn’t have been caught off guard, but I couldn’t help it. Seeing Sonic on the top of the page announcing to everyone where the source material came from but saying his version is the fastest, the only thing I could wonder is what the person at Sega of America thought when they were forced to read this to make sure everyone stayed in character.

After Sonic’s introduction, we get to see our version of Scrooge, played by none other than Dr. Robotnik. I mean, if you’re going to use someone as the villain of the piece, you have to go with Robotnik, though to be fair Scrooge was more a misguided man. Someone who thought money was the source of happiness, when it fact it wasn’t. But I’m getting ahead of myself here. Sitting behind his desk, Robotnik Scrooge is asking if Rotor Cratchet had called him a “penny-pinching, tight-fisted, evil miser.” While he is actually pinching pennies in his hands. Before you can wonder what the subliminal implications of such an act could be, Rotor replies that, no, he just wants to know when Robotnik will pay for the roof to get fixed, since the snow keeps on coming down. Sure enough, we get to see the visual, with Robotnik freaking out about how he’ll decide on when to spend his money. Not sure why he isn’t affected by the cold, but you know. These things happen.

Taking advantage of Robotnik’s good mood (wait what), Rotor decides to ask his evil boss if he can take the day off, because he wants to spend Christmas with his family. As you can probably guess, Scrooge takes offense to the very suggestion, going on about how he needs his factory to be running at full capacity so he can turn everyone into robots. That…wait, how do you get paid for something like that? Those Mobians don’t look all that freaked out about getting robotocized. Did they pay for this service? Why would you want to turn into a robot!

Rotor says he’ll make up the time, and so he gets to take lunch for only one minute for the next ten years. Threatening to turn the walrus into a robot (I’m surprised he hasn’t already), our second-favorite mechanic runs off, wishing Robotnik a Merry Christmas. “Bah Humbot!” O-oh. I get it. We then jump to his “Ill-Manor,” a mechanized mansion where the villain of our story gets to sit and eat petroleum pudding, all the while watching a fire on his big screen television. Suddenly, the image is filled with that of Jacob Snarley, who is very clearly Snively but now decorated in oil cans. It is at this point where we jump into the heart of the story, so if you know the original at all, you know what’s coming up next. Snarley lets us know that he has become a TV ghost, forced to move from channel to channel with no sign of rest, doomed to watch infomercials for the rest of his days (hey, could be worse all things considered). He tells Robotnik that he will be visited by three spirits, but before he can get any farther, the not-so-dictator kicks the screen of his television in.

Hiding under the covers of his bed, Robotnik tries to assure himself of his dominance, he can’t help but jump up when he hears a noise. Peering out, he gets immediately angry when we see the first of our three spirits – the Ghost of Christmas Fast…I mean Past. The role is played by none other than Sonic the Hedgehog, who is for some reason wearing a baseball cap and zipping around a skateboard. Almost like this comic was made in 1993 or something. Sonic grabs the evil dictator and they fly right out the window and into Christmas past, where we get to see the tiniest Robotnik sing Jingle Bots.

The Christmas of the past we get to see is Robotnik’s first with Sonic and Uncle Chuck. Now for those who have no idea what’s going on (and I’m sure most of you don’t), back when the Saturday morning series was still being developed, quite a number of ideas were thrown about as to what the origins of the character’s could be. One that wasn’t used but was later turned into a children’s novel was the idea that both Sonic and Robotnik were orphans, and had been sent to live with Uncle Chuck, though he really was only an uncle to Sonic. It was even revisited in the original mini-series published by Archie, but was presented as just a dream. I guess even they realized how ridiculous the idea sounded. But since this is also some sort of alternate take on things, we’re allowed to have them reunite as children. While Uncle Chuck runs off to make everyone lunch, child-Robotnik decides this the perfect time to jump on Chuck’s tractor to destroy the Christmas Tree they’re decorating outside.

The tractor. For the uninitiated, the tractor is the most important character in the Troll Associates book. It is what precipitates Robotnik leaving and eventually turning into a villain. So we get its second and last appearance, leaving us with a cliff-hanger for part two!…which is right on the next page. By running at full speed, Sonic digs a ditch around the tree, preventing the tractor from going any further. Adult-Robotnik tries to lunge at Sonic in revenge of his earlier humiliation, but is unsuccessful, going face first into…something. I can only assume it’s Eggnog.

Coming to his senses, Robotnik discovers that he has moved on to the second spirit of the night, Christmas Present, who is once again Sonic the Hedgehog but with the body of a Christmas present. Oh, those visual puns. Landing in the middle of the underground Knothole base, we see Miles “Tails” Prower in what I’m assuming is Tiny Tim garb, though he certainly isn’t a sick, crippled child here. Holding a turkey-shaped gift, Robotnik laughs to himself, saying its a bomb he sent to Rotor’s family. That’s…a bit extreme. I mean, the guy works for you. You’d think you wouldn’t want to blow him up, otherwise you’d need to look for a new hired hand, and who would work for you once they find out you blew up their precursor? With strange versions of Uncle Chuck, Muttskii, Princess Sally and Bunnie Rabbot joining him (no love for poor ol’ Antoine), they argue about the validity of such a gift. Before they can open it up, Sonic rushes in and snatches it away, declaring he is going to mark it return to sender.

Once again trying to leap at Sonic, Robotnik is held back by Christmas-Sonic, who reminds him that he can’t be seen or heard. Getting motion sickness, Scrooge demands he be sent back home, but is instead sent to a place he doesn’t recognize. Spotting an old man and laughing at his appearance, we are told rather unsurprisingly that we are now in the vision of the future, with Christmas Future once again being Sonic, this time clad in a yellow robe. Guess they thought it’d be too much to have a hedgehog skeleton in his place. The old man? None other than future Robotnik, causing Scrooge to jump in shock, revealing that for some reason he has metal feet.

We go through the scare tactics, where we find the Freedom Fighters just as old and worn out as Robotnik, told that they have been fighting for years and that even if Robotnik were to win, he would win a world that he already destroyed. Freaked out by the notion, Robotnik begins to cower, Christmas Future Sonic telling him to change his evil ways. When he begins to sheepishly agree, we then see future-Robotnik going on about his triumph, his robot having able to capture the Freedom Fighters since they are now old and slow. With that, Scrooge pulls on Christmas Future Sonic’s hood, saying that greed and evil will triumph someday. Of course, future-Sonic has something to say about that.

Clad in a long beard with full cane, future-Robotnik can’t help but laugh at future-Sonic because of his age, and indeed future-Sonic is unable to even perform his trusty spin attack. But before he can finish Sonic once and for all, future-Robotnik is interrupted by a mailman, who gives him back a fourth-class “Return To Sender” mailing. What is it? Why, the turkey-shaped bomb from earlier! Scrooge Robotnik realizes this and tries to stop his future self from opening it, but lo and behold, they explode.

Cue Sonic the Hedgehog being forcefully woken up by Rotor Walrus. Oh look at that, it was just a dream! Ignoring the fact that Rotor apparently loves to hover over the sleeping figure of Sonic the Hedgehog, he tells the blue blur that he almost slept through Christmas! Freaking out, Sonic speeds off to say Merry Christmas to everyone, riding a sleigh in the shape of his shoe. That…um…

At the end of the day, all you can really say is that the comic was still finding its way. It definitely wants to be funny, and while sometimes a smile can come across your face, its because this was designed for a completely different time period. The innocence and charm found within is not anything you’d see in a Sonic comic these days, which can be a double edged sword. You wouldn’t want it to necessarily be exactly the same, but something can be said about its inherent irreverence. As to how it treated the source material in this story, I can’t help but be annoyed. The payoff of A Christmas Carol is supposed to be the redemption of Ebenezer Scrooge. Here, Robotnik Scrooge explodes. Even if it is just a dream at the end, no one learns any lessons here. Either way, I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if this had become a yearly ritual? What stories would they have forced Sonic to be in?

I also can’t stop thinking about Antoine’s face in the last panel.

…the return of Fleetway’s Christmas Sonic comics.

For those who were around last year, you may remember that I started to go through the Christmas issues of the U.K. Sonic the Comic series by Fleetway. I only got through two articles before I realized I didn’t have much time before Christmas, and while I said I was going to do them after…well, this is still after, right? For those who need a refresher course, the Fleetway series was the comic book Europe was able to read, based on the storyline Sega of America came up with about Dr. Ovi Kintobor and the R.O.C.C. Fellow Retro staff member Overlord has been going through how the comic handled its game adaptations, but I called the Christmas issues long ago. So with apologies to the English, I continue on with the third and final part of the series, taking a look at issue 145 to see how Sonic spent his Christmas on the other side of the pond.

The first story, entitled “Child’s Play,” is done by the veritable duo of Nigel Kitching and Richard Elson, two fellows who still interact with fans on a semi-regular basis. Nigel Kitching was even at Summer of Sonic this year, though I doubt anyone thought to ask what their inspiration was behind this story. We begin in the Emerald Hill Zone, with one of its folk busy shoveling the falling snow. We’re told it’s always a white Christmas there, which seems a bit odd. Shouldn’t the Emerald Hill be a tropical locale? But hey, I guess that sort of thinking would kill the Christmas mood. Once he gets his path cleared, the unnamed Mobiun gets no rest as Sonic rushes through, undoing all of his hard work. The random dog tries to complain, but he should know by now one solid fact – Sonic the Hedgehog is a huge dick. Sure, he might be using the ol’ “this is an emergency” shtick, but we all know better.

So why is Sonic running at the speed of sound? Because a group of kids contacted him, asking him to save them from a rogue badnik that happens to be terrorizing the zone. And by “terrorizing the zone” I mean standing around doing nothing. Even Sonic thinks something is amiss, asking, “so that’s your deadly badnik, is it?” The kids tell him to stop it before it starts moving again, but the blue blur just stands around. Now, before you go thinking that Sonic really just doesn’t care about these kids, we see in the very next panel two more of them hiding out of sight, one holding a makeshift remote control. Seems that the robot is actually a hastily put together creation of one of the kids who simply wanted to get Sonic’s attention so that they could seem him in action. The other kid asks why Sonic isn’t doing anything, wondering aloud if he suspects their ruse. The one in charge is quick to deny it, saying all he needs is to make the robot move, so it looks more convincing.

Even when the robot lifts its arm to attack, Sonic looks unconvinced, and only starts to engage the non-badnik when the controller malfunctions, causing the robot to become a threat. Dodging its attack, Sonic wonders aloud where it could have come from, with even more kids freaking out, guessing that the hero of Mobius has picked up on their thinly-veiled ploy. Really, why do you think he wouldn’t? He’s been fighting Robotnik since he came into existence! If there’s anyone who would pick up the evil dictator’s style, it’s Sonic. The shoddy production values of the kid-friendly enemy does get a hit on Sonic, but only because its arm flies off, getting a cheap shot at Sonic’s back. Rightfully pissed off, Sonic goes head first into it, declaring he’s going to finish it of and then…

Well, we don’t get to hear the second half of the sentence as the non-badnik explodes, causing Sonic to fly right into the snow. As all the random kids circle around their fallen icon, they jump to the only conclusion they can – they must have killed Sonic the Hedgehog. With him laying there, unmoving, they start freaking out. All they wanted was to videotape their hero in action, but now they’re going to prison, even though the one who made the robot desperately tries to argue that it wasn’t their fault! And Sonic…

…Sonic. You dick.

With one final lament about how after all those battles with Dr. Robotnik this is what caused Sonic to die, the hedgehog springs back to life, confirming that, yes, that would be a stupid way for the comic to end. I don’t know about you, but if I was any of those kids, I’d have a heart attack right then and there. “Sonic! You’re alive!” “Hey, you’re not complaining, are you?” Really, Sonic? First you play possum, then you insult the guy you’re trying to teach a lesson to based on his choice of words. I mean, you didn’t just make one kid think you were dead. You made a whole group start freaking out! And you don’t even know them! Makes me wonder, is there an issue of Sonic the Comic where you trick “Tails” into thinking that he accidentally murdered you?!

When the kids tell him they just wanted to meet him, Sonic starts to perk up, wondering aloud “this was the only way you could think of meeting me, huh?” One of them grabs Sonic’s arm, asking him to do something with his super speed, and instead of taking that kid and whipping him around like he was Santa Claus, Sonic becomes a blur around the kids. Oh god, what are you going to do now, Sonic? Are you going to put them in a snow jail? Are you going to make them listen to one of Porker Lewis‘ stories?! Are you…

…oh. You built them a snow fort. That’s…kinda nice of you. With Sonic going on about how this is the first Christmas they’ve been able to spend without Robotnik (wait, I thought last Christmas was), the time of the season must have gotten to him, with the kids being spared any more humiliation. Too bad “Tails” wasn’t around, I’m sure he would have enjoyed this sudden change of heart.

The next story in the issue is one of the Amy and Tekno tales that ran in the comic for a while, though I don’t know the full reasons as to why they’re doing what they’re doing. One of the downfalls of having never read every issue, I suppose. “Dream On,” written by Lew Stringer and drawn by Roberto Corona, the duo of Ms. Rose and Ms. Canary show up at the next stop on their “alien world tour.” Trying to figure out where they are, Tekno’s scanner-thing is coming up fuzzy. That’s always a comforting sign. They soon come across the most generic looking alien ever, who is…freaking out about Christmas.

Wait, what?

I guess I shouldn’t be too thrown off, seeing as Mobius and Earth are completely separate in the Fleetway universe, but how does every planet in the comic have Christmas? That doesn’t make much sense to me. Best not to think about it. Amy and Tekno approach generic alien man to ask him what’s wrong, when he points to the most freaky snowman I’ve seen in a long time. Singing a Christmas carol about how he wants to squash them, the alien chases after a present with legs, with Amy saying that this world is a nightmare. Somehow, this makes Tekno realize they’re not just on an alien planet, but that they are inside an alien’s dream. Oh.

Amy suggests they wake up the alien, but Tekno veto’s the idea, saying that him waking up could make them disappear forever. If that’s the case…why were they transported inside of his dream?! Wouldn’t it have been way better for them to just show up while he was awake? It’s not like he’s hooked up to some strange sleep-inducing machine that they need to free from the inside out. They are just in his dream. He could wake up because the neighbors decided to start blasting their stereo! Either way, they walk up to him, and the alien laments about his life. He got laid off, he doesn’t have money for Christmas presents, he’s worried his family will hate him…and Amy cheers him up in the most generic way possible. And it works. And the duo leave so he can wake up.

When he does, we find out that it is Christmas already. Guess he didn’t want to tell his family until after the fact. And looking at his family, I could understand why. Does that one alien have acne or stubble? Either way, all’s well that ends well, seeing as he gets a letter offering him work that stars for the new year. But since mail doesn’t come on Christmas, where did it come from? That’s right: alien Santa. We don’t get to see him be an alien, but I find it hard to believe that the same Santa Claus is going around every single planet in the universe at once. Then again, what do I know?

On the last page, we get to see the female duo return to Mobius for the holidays, a gift from the Ring of Eternity, who I suppose is the one who allows them to jump across the universe and save aliens from bad dreams. Finally, we get to see Amy and Sonic together again for Christmas! I’ve been waiting for this payoff from the wink she did all the way back in issue 42! I bet she’s going to do something absolutely crazy to Sonic!

…or they can share generic small talk about nothing. That works too.

The final story in the issue, “Captain Christmas,” is once again by Nigel Kitching, with Nigel Dobbyn taking on the artistic duties this go-round. A solo story focusing on “Tails,” it begins in some generic city on Christmas Eve, with people shopping and carolers singing. The peace is soon interrupted by some crazy giant sheep, appropriately named Baa Humbug (see it’s a pun). Luckily for us, “Tails” happens to be flying overhead, though he is suffering from a cold. The two-tailed fox swoops down to stop him, but instead gets hit over the head with a Christmas tree. “Beatings of the season, Tails!” Oh, is that also a pun? I’m not sure.

Before “Tails” can get his bearings, we’re introduced to Captain Christmas, who acts like he has no idea who the real star of the story is. I mean, I know he’s second fiddle to Sonic, but still. If someone knows who Batman is, they also know of Robin. They might not respect Robin, but they know his name! We quickly slip into an extremely cheesy fight, where Captain Christmas fights off Baa Humbug with Pudding of Justice and Decorations of Destiny. I…well, all I can say is that the fight would be extremely awkward if it happened in the middle of July.

The day is saved, and everyone gathers around Captain Christmas, asking them how they can repay him, which he follows up with “I’m sure you can think of something.” That’s not suspicious at all! Immediately, everyone around the Captain starts giving him the presents they bought. Once again, not suspicious at all! When “Tails” asks why everyone is doing this, they just respond that the Captain is so wonderful. Even Baa gets into the swing of things, giving away his car. With that, “Tails” is certain something is wrong, and picks up some random fur that apparently flew off Captain Christmas during the fight. Kinda weird that’s the first thing he’d think of to investigate what’s going on, but his hunch proves correct. Feeding the fur into the freaky looking Kintobor computer, “Tails” finds out that Captain Christmas is really Dog Malone, a former employee of Robotnik at the Chemical Plant Zone. Wait, Robotnik hired real people?! I thought that’s why he built robots, so that he wouldn’t have to deal with people needing to go to sleep or ask for money!

We also find out the only reason everyone loves him is because of some strange body spray, which is why “Tails” was immune – he has a cold! Jumping back to the city, we see Captain Christmas wander around some more, laughing to himself as a woman offers up her womb to him. Thankfully, our favorite fox shows up to stop where the comic could have gone, proclaiming him a phony. No one listens, of course, and we get to hear of even more holiday-themed weapons. Calamity Cracker. Holly of Horror. These are either the worst ideas ever conceived, or the most amazing. Before he can do anything more, “Tails” throws a snowball at the oversized dog, which makes everyone immediately fall out of love with him. “Tails” reveals that he whipped up a quick antidote to nullify the effects of the spray, and while the townspeople want to tear Captain Christmas in ways they would reserve for a non-calamity cracker, “Tails” airlifts him away, revealing he has something far more devilish thought up.

Why yes, that is Captain Christmas being forced to deliver presents by Santa Claus. Your eyes do not deceive you.

Since this review has gone on long enough, I just want to briefly mention issue 171, the very last new issue released around the holidays. “Planet in Peril!” by Lew Stringer and drawn by Richard Elson is done on a Christmas backdrop, with “Tails” proudly proclaiming the time of year. And while there is a Christmas tree that meets its untimely demise, it is far more a winter-esque story, with everyone having to fight against a crazy snow monster created by Robotnik that flows into the next story that has absolutely nothing to do with Christmas. It definitely is part of the lead up to Lew Stringer’s final story arc, and deserves to be told in some future article, but instead, all you get is the first panel. Because that’s about as Christmasy as it gets.

All in all, the Fleetway stories are certainly entertaining when it comes to celebrating Christmas, though they can get a little goofy at times. Really, though, how often does a story about Christmas not fall into some cheesy moments? You just can’t escape that if you’re writing anything contemporary with a Christmas theme. And they did way more with it than Archie ever did!…though to be fair, if Archie did something yearly, I’m certain it wouldn’t have turned out that great. I mean, their single effort was…well, we’ll get to that another day.

For the curious who want to read, click here for part one and here for part two.

A lot of you have no doubt been enjoying the fruits of The Taxman’s labor now that Sonic CD for Everything is out (we know we certainly have) and we can only hope you’re also spreading the love to those around you that, yes, Sonic CD is not too shabby a game.

But one of the most endearing traits from the game is that the music, be it the American or International version, is catchy as hell! So when I get linked to a remix of the music from the game, you bet I take a listen and every now and then am pleasantly surprised to find one awesome remix, such as the one above by youtuber mattj2217.

Of course, matt’s not the only one to have put together Will Smith’s rapping talents with a Sonic CD song. Enter the Fresh Prince.

Made by forum member QJimbo years ago, it showed that distinctly ’90s music goes quite well with distinctly ’90s hip hop… which also caused a kick off of lesser derivatives of getting Fresh Prince of Bel-Air to fit into other songs.

…yes, I’m doing this again. But really, why not? Last year I stumbled into the whole thing and didn’t do all twelve days. And yes, I am quite aware that the real “12 Days of Christmas” actually start on the 25th and continue on. But let’s be honest here. Who actually wants to read about Christmas-related anything after the 25th? I know I don’t. At that point, all you really want to do is try and survive until New Years. So with that said…oh wait, what is Retro giving you? I mean, Sega’s giving you Sonic CD. That’s gonna be way more awesome than anything we can throw out. Or can it?!

…no, Sonic CD is definitely way more awesome.

To be honest, I have no idea who Yoshi1up is, but back for Christmas 2008, he decided to come up with a little animation for Newgrounds called “Sonic: Christmas Greeting.” So what better way to kick off twelve days of nonsense and merriment than to throw up something that has Miles “Tails” Prower go absolutely mental?

…so here we go. 12 days of this. I promise some of these will be way longer.