Comics, Humor

“Sonic-Grams” Vol. 3: Everyone Loves Tails

Today, issue #221 of Sonic the Hedgehog hits comic shops across the country, which means in only four short months another anniversary issue will be in the hands of those who still care. So for the month of June, you’ll get to read…issue #226. Which is almost as cool, right? Either way, it’s that time again. Another Wednesday, another volume of “Sonic-Grams.” So we can sigh at our younger selves, cringe at our words, and be baffled at how we still can’t form coherent sentences. Charge up those spin-dashes, people! Just remember, back then you didn’t have to hold forward afterwards to have it send you more than two feet.

Our first letter this go-round comes from the Sonic-Grams of issue 16, the first issue which features the “proper” design of Princess Sally, as opposed to her earlier pink look. In unknown celebration, Venus Nguyen of Hermiston, Oregon wrote in not to talk about Sally, but how he got his way past cool nickname:

Wait a minute, they should call him Knuckles instead? Does this mean the response to the letter would have been different if his fellow students had adopted that name in the first place? They don’t even consider if the kid he punched was dressed as Robotnik! Maybe that’s what set him off! But I must question if the only reason he punched a kid in the face is because they made fun of the fact he liked Sonic…he was about to enter high school. You’re supposed to play “cool” games like Mortal Kombat 2! Or Bubsy the Bobcat! Ok, maybe not that last one. At least he’s modest about his speed.

Next up is issue 17, where Peter Femenella of Staten Island, New York writes a very personal letter to everyone’s favorite sidekick, Miles “Tails” Prower:

Wonder what this kid would have done if he lived in the U.K., the land of “Sonic the Dick.” Sure, Sonic’s a bit arrogant in the U.S., but nothing compared to what he did across the Atlantic. And hey, wouldn’t you be a bit arrogant too if you were the only one competent enough to get anything done in your group? At least Peter is concerned that he may be hurting Tails’ feelings. I’m guessing Ken Penders wasn’t the one who wrote the answer to this letter, else the reply would have been a two-issue arc where Tails cried about how Peter stole Fiona Fox from him and that he threw his chili dog into the mud or something.

Let’s jump back to issue 10, where Jennifer Kraft wrote to praise Tails instead of insulting his choice of friendship. Maybe this is why he’s so easy going in issue 17!

…wow, Sonic’s more of a dick than I realized! No wonder Peter wrote to Tails the way he did. All this girl wanted to do was talk about how cute Tails was, and Sonic has to rush in and make a big stink about it! Suddenly, it becomes clear why Tails only got a three issue mini-series. Sonic probably secretly canceled it so he could “rub off” some of his perfection on him. Maybe the same thing happened to Princess Sa-MOVING ON.

Watching Sonic the Hedgehog do the moonwalk, let’s go back even further. All the way to issue two of the regular series, where Alicia Webb wrote in while the mini-series was still being published. Now that’s dedication!

Oh man, this is even before the shows started. The girl has no idea what’s in store for the fandom. So very exciting! This must be before Sonic decided to be a dick as well, since she becomes a freedom fighter for putting Tails ahead of Sonic in the letter. Well, I’m assuming he’s not being a dick. Don’t know what “Sonic Tonic” is. Not sure if I want to know. Sure Sally knows. Or Rotor.

Ah, it’s that time again! Time for a name from the Internet community of years passed…well, he still exists and does his thing, he’s just been around forever and ever. Yes, I’m speaking of the one, the only, Daniel Drazen. Never a gamer himself, he only became interested in the Sonic franchise because of the Saturday morning series. Being a part of that early community, he soon dominated the market of “serious” fanfiction, and was consistently praised for his reviews of the Archie series. There was even a brief point where he worked for the Archie website, but that did not last long. And while he still makes those reviews, they aren’t nearly as circulated or talked about as they once were. But this is about history, folks!

Y’know, the question he asked wasn’t really that great. And he didn’t even plug his own stuff! I’m just unsettled that Archie had to be convinced to accept e-mails in their letter columns, or that they had to actually set aside a section in their column for it. I know they no longer have the classification, because…well, how many hand-written letters does Archie even get anymore? I can’t help but be a bit annoyed that he used the word “legion,” however. I know, it’s a legitimate word that has been used for hundreds of years. But…using the word legion…in the context of the Internet…and Sonic fans…aw jeez.

Oh well, I’m sure no one will pick up on this and use it in a extremely cliched manner. Either way, that’s another letter column in the bag. Letter bag. Get it? Hahaha, I’m being witty here. Maybe next time we’ll find letters where women demand Sonic marry them instead of Sally. Or where they can buy fists just like Knuckles. Stay tuned!

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13 Comments

  • Reply

    wow, Sonic’s being a dick.

  • Reply

    Looks like Knuckles and Tails just spent a few invigorating minutes in the microwave

  • Reply

    I’m worried about why Tristan made Knuckles so buff and put him in shorts.

  • Reply

    Lol, Sonic was being a dick in these.

  • Reply

    Oh god that picture. Sonic’s got a face arm, and I have no clue what to say about Knuckles and Tails.

    Sondick. GET IT? A HA HA HA! Never mind, f*** you.

    Yay, terrible CoD reference. asjkdh

    Also, physics mentioned in a non-Sonic 4 story. Cool story, bro.

  • Reply

    “Don’t know what “Sonic Tonic” is. Not sure if I want to know. Sure Sally knows. Or Rotor.”

    Ahahahahahaha

  • Reply

    In this thread, we, a bunch of full grown adults, make fun of children.

    • Reply

      But we’re making fun of children who, in turn, are adults now.

      Like making fun of a friend for being a dimwit as a kid. It’s all in good fun.

    • Reply

      In a way we are making fun of ourselfs.
      Most people here are of the same generation of this letters.
      Admit it, everyone as a kid is sure to make one or two stupid things.

    • Reply

      Yep. There’s a reason I haven’t used any letters beyond issue 50. Even if you were six when that came out, you’d be 19 or 20 by now. Besides, sometimes it is the response that is funnier than the letter. And those people were grown men to begin with!

  • Reply

    That image at the bottom is… surreal. Is Sonic’s muzzle growing an arm? Did Knuckles’ arm fuse with his chest?
    Welp, I won’t be sleeping tonight.

  • Reply

    Sonic fans do not forgive.
    Sonic fans do not forget.
    Sonic fans are not your personal army.

  • Reply

    Sonic is an asshole: ALWAYS CANON.
    Also, that blob of colour resembling Tails is actually kind of cute 😮

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