Humor

Breaking: Ken Balough’s P.R. License Revoked

SEGA of America Public Relations man Ken Balough has been charged and found guilty on two counts of “incredibly wrong statements” and three counts of “asshattery.”  As a result, his license to represent any company in public relations has been revoked.  The verdict was levied earlier this morning.

Yesterday, SEGA gave an exclusive preview to gaming website Joystiq, officially unveiling a new zone for Sonic the Hedgehog 4: Episode 1, Casino Street.  David Hinkle, the previewer, was graced with Balough’s presence during his time with the game.  During the preview, Ken Balough, who is also Sonic 4‘s brand manager, stated the following:

“Every single one of our traditional Sonic games on the Genesis, whether it be Sonic 1, 2, or 3, we’ve always had sort of a casino level, so keeping with that theme, I think it’s kinda important that we continue that here. Casino Streets Zone isn’t inspired by any of the previous ones, it’s a casino-style zone and we definitely wanted to bring that to the consumers.”

Upon reading that statement, the Stupidity, Half-wittedness And Ridiculousness Police (also known as “S.H.A.R.P.”) issued a summons to Balough.  “Mr. Balough has been on our radar for quite some time,” said Sheriff Harold Gobbledix.  “He was issued many warnings for ‘this is truly Sonic 4 as you imagined it,’ but it’s clear now that he has absolutely no idea what he is doing.”  Gobbledix continued, “We think that it’s in the interest of everyone that Mr. Balough be stripped of his credentials.”

The investigation regarding Balough’s statement lasted all of two seconds, when keen investigators did a background check on previous levels in Sonic games.  “Yeah, it’s totally Casino Night Zone, but it’s now it’s all in like HD and shit,” said Frank Dumfarht, head of the investigation.  “With all of the extra time we had, we spent the rest of the day playing mini-golf and eating wings at Hooters.”

In PR, it is typical to spin things positively or embellish certain aspects of a product in order to sell units, but Gobbledix believes that a line has to be drawn.  “Look at this fucking picture,” Gobbledix stated.  “How can you say that?!”

Our admins here at Sonic Retro were asked to comment on Balough’s forced departure.  Scarred Sun opted to “keep it classy” and deny comment.  In an outburst, Tweaker yelled, “Fuck Ken Balough.  He’s fucking cancelled.”  When asked of the sociopolitical ramifications of Balough’s exit, Retro staff member GeneHF said, “Who cares?  What’s important is that he’s gone.  Now get that RadioShack microphone out of my face.”

With his career as a terrible PR man behind him, Balough is rumored to return to work at his hometown Home Depot in Wahoo, Nebraska.

"This is truly wood as you imagined it."

We now return to our regularly scheduled programming.

[audio: http://www.sonicretro.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/fuckbalough.mp3]

Previous Post Next Post

You Might Also Like

21 Comments

  • Reply

    I love you guys.

  • Reply

    doo bub DAAAOOOW

  • Reply

    If you collect the seven Ken Baloughs, you will get a sneak peak at what Episode II is going to be about. We’ve listened to you guys, the fans and this is truly Ken Balough as you imagined it.

    • Reply

      Then why the fuck does he now have green eyes what the fuck is this? I want classic pudgey Ken back!

  • Reply

    I am comfortably disturbed.

  • Reply

    Casino Streets Zone not inspired by any previous zones. This is truly misinformation as you imagined it

  • Reply

    I can’t tell if this is fake or real, if it’s fake, you guys REALLY know how to cover it up XD

    • Reply

      The article category should clear this little mystery up.

  • Reply

    @Caleb There’s no such thing as a “PR license.” We haven’t regulated every minutiae of human activity to that degree… yet.

  • Reply

    I take a nap and this happens? Kick ass.

  • Reply

    Good riddance.

  • Reply

    “Every single one of our traditional Sonic games on the Genesis, whether it be Sonic 1, 2, or 3, we’ve always had sort of a casino level, so keeping with that theme, I think it’s kinda important that we continue that here. Casino Streets Zone isn’t inspired by any of the previous ones, it’s a casino-style zone and we definitely wanted to bring that to the consumers.” It’s a casino style level, not inspired by the previous games which had casino levels in them but still staying true to the formula 0.o

  • Reply

    That’s pretty fucking funny actually. Nice work.

  • Reply

    Boom fake! On the home depot picture I can see a little bit of…fakeness just look at the body and then the head. The head is more pixelized.

    • Reply

      Of course it’s fake, dummy.

  • Reply

    You guys are getting this all wrong, all those statements were made for sonic 4 as a whole not just episode 1, you’ll see.

  • Reply

    I wish it was true.

  • Reply

    Mini-golf and wings? Why wasn’t I invited?

  • Reply

    Someone took this seriously and made a thread about it.

    http://forums.sega.com/showthread.php?t=345878

    • Reply

      Brb, dying of laughter.

  • Reply

    […] of slow, our satirical story on SEGA PR man Ken Balough was taken seriously by someone on the SEGA boards.  Why am I not […]

  • Click on a tab to select how you'd like to leave your comment

    Leave a Reply